Failure: Fiction

I don’t know when I had this dream for the first time. A dream that has haunted me for years and years now. Thirty-six years of watching my hard work and dreams burn to the ground. Many things have changed, many people have come in and out of my life, yet this dream has not left me. The same exact event has already taken place in my life, when I was 23. I know this is a dream, but I am unable to wake up. I am trying not to burn my stories and not to kill all my characters but I did it then and I am doing it now, reliving all the pain and misery that I felt that day when I was only 23 years old. Sometimes, it feels like my dream is symbolic for all of the dreams I burned to ashes.

I wake up, I know this was just a dream but something is different this time. I look at my phone and it’s 4:30 AM. I get up, use the restroom, brush my teeth and wash my face. Today seems so much different than normal; Either I am losing all my energy or this place lost all its energy. I really didn’t know what was happening. I looked at Satya, she’s sleeping so peacefully, I quietly drag a chair next to our bed, and begin admiring the woman that I love, before I got a call from my friend Arjun for the badminton competition in the Port Park. I slowly get up, pick up my badminton kit and gently close the door, so that Satya wouldn’t wake up.

The sun starts to rise and we both start to walk to the park. We were both early, so we are walking more slowly than normal. I saw a teenager holding his camera, walking through the streets and capturing the first rays of sunlight from different angles. Something happened in my mind, and I had no idea what that something was. Looking at that boy, I am suddenly reminded of all the lost hopes and dreams of the past. In my head,one word seems to stand out. Failure. I’ve been a failure all my life, failed as a son, failed as a friend, failed as a husband, failed as a dad and most importantly failed as a writer.

Everything is different today, including Arjun. I’ve known Arjun since the age of 6, and he’s always been so talkative, so it was weird to see him this silent. I want to ask him what happened, but when I look up, we have already reached the park. The game begins and we start to play and it’s already off to a poor start. By the last two minutes of the game, we’ve already accepted defeat. The game comes to a close, and we take the inevitable loss, and start walking back home. Arjun finally breaks the silence and tells me that he’s sorry for not doing his best in the game. He explains that his son got into a car accident last night in New York, which is why he was distracted while playing. He tells me his son is safe, but I see him worry. I reassure him, telling him everything will be alright, and not to worry. After a few minutes, we reached home. His house is opposite to mine, and we go our separate ways. Walking in, I notice the newspaper hasn’t been picked up yet, which is odd, because Satya should have woken up by now. I knocked on the door and she didn’t answer, so I used my keys to get inside, and walk into our bedroom. Satya is still in bed. I look up at the time, and it is 8:55 AM. Suddenly, thunder rumbles outside and dark, gray clouds take over the previously bright, sunlit sky. I slowly walk up to the bed, and gently stroke her cheek. It feels oddly cold, and I start calling her name to wake her up. “Satya. Satya. Wake up, Satya.” She continues to solemnly lay there. I take her cold gentle hand, and check her pulse. No. She has to be alive. I keep shouting her name, with no avail. She doesn’t wake up, and I am forced to accept that something is not okay. I run to Arjun’s house, and bang on his door until he opened up.

“What happened?” Arjun asks

Unable to form a sentence, I start pointing toward my house. Trying to comprehend me,He worriedly starts following me as I run towards my house and into our bedroom. I remained silent, as did Arjun, as he looked at his sister’s body lay still on the mattress. Arjun starts sobbing, crying harder than I’ve ever seen him cry in all the years we’ve grown up together. Soon, Everyone in the family comes to our home, and everyone is crying except me. I can’t cry, and I won’t, because if I do, I know I’ll never stop. Instead, I stand off to a corner watching as everything took place around me, quicker than I could process. Before I even realize it the funeral arrives.

After the funeral, as everyone starts to leave from the crematory, Arjun asks me to get into his car. I sat down in the car and we both were silent for some time. He turns on the radio, the weather channel was giving its daily forecast.

“Storm alert: For the next 48 hours, heavy rains, and strong winds are expected in the area.”

As silence settles on us, like a heavy blanket, some gentle songs start playing over the radio.

“Stop the car Arjun.”

“Why,” he asks startled. “You really need to calm down. You’re not acting like yourself.”

“Why should I? I’ve lost everything… Everything I ever loved, Everything I ever cared for. Mom, Dad, Satya, our friendship, my stories… All of it is gone. And what do I have left, a job that I don’t love, and an empty, lifeless home. Stop the car, Arjun.”

He looked at me, shocked, and pulled over. I get out, and start to walk toward our, no, my home. Suddenly, all the pain from earlier suddenly bursts out, and I start crying, sobbing till I reach home. I go into the bedroom, hold one of Satya’s dresses to my face, the memory of her making me cry even harder. I understand now, that pain and tears have nothing to do with each other, but if they are in any way related, I’ll have to cry for the rest of my lifetime to forget the pain of losing her.

The energy that I lost that day is forever lost. The source of that energy was Satya, everyday after losing her was hell, and I couldn’t get her out of my mind. Arjun starts coming to my house everyday, bringing me meals from time to time, making sure that I eat. I lost interest in everything, nothing excited me about this life anymore, and leading it as if nothing was wrong was torture. I go outside, get myself a pack of cigarettes and start to smoke after many years. The smoke that is now foreign to my lungs chokes me, and I start to cough violently. Arjun comes into my room, panicking at the sight of my coughing fit, that had gone from just a cough to coughing up blood. He immediately drives me to the hospital. Arjun looks at me seriously and asks,

“Why are you acting like this? Have you gone crazy? You promised Satya that you wouldn’t smoke again, and now look at you… Great going, brother-in-law.”

I have no guts to look him in the eyes and explain myself, so I decided to remain silent.

By the end of the hour, a doctor comes in to look at me, after what seemed like a lifetime of waiting in the empty, silent waiting room. After a few tests, the doctor decides it would be better for me to move on to a higher level of testing. A week later, after completing all the tests required, we met with the doctor again.

“There’s no easy way to say this Sir, You’ve been diagnosed with lung cancer, in the third stage. We’re not sure how much longer your body can endure the damage. I’m sorry.”

After buying some relievers to help with the coughing and pain, we leave the hospital. We get in Arjun’s car, and he tries to convince me that all will be well, but somehow, I know that I am going to die. I asked him to pull into the bank where I work, and he complied. I go to my department and ask for a voluntary retirement plan. They say it will take one week to process the documents and get money. I sign the documents, get into Arjun’s car and ignore his false consolations as we drive back home.

We reach after a seemingly endless series of lies and untruthful assurances from Arjun, and I go into my room. I remove an old suitcase from on top of a shelf it was banished to so many years ago, and take it into the living room. I take out the typewriter from the suitcase and start doing what I should have been doing all this time.

Title: Failure

Written by:- Gopala Krishna